its been awhile

school starts in 2 days - yeah I made it, almost.

older daughter started college today.  books cost tooooooo much!  that is so bad.  oh well, we get through, we always do.

freedom at last, I can do what I need during the day without trying to separate fighting kids.

they have been so bored part of the summer, back to school will do them a lot of good.

this is what I have been learning to do over the summer.  I knew how to needle tat for just over a year and July 4th weekend I starting learning to shuttle tat.

As we enter the last month in the summer

now that August is here we are counting down the days to the beginning of school. My oldest daughter starts back to college a couple days before the kids but then their first day is one of her days off.  So my first day totally freee of children is the day after they start back.  Oh well, 62 will come soon enough and then my youngest will be off to college and I'll miss having them home.  In the meantime, summer drags on.  My husband almost orders us to go swimming sometimes, he is worried we are wasting our poool membership and it takes some of the joy out for us.  At least the kids love it and don't want to leave after they are forced to go.  Well another day.

life as usual

summer is toooooooo long!  my youngest is acting like he isn't on any adhd meds and I would never take him off his meds.  he is such a hand full.  I think the kids are bored but I am stuck in the other room with the dog or the dog chews up the furniture.  Life is too challenging right now.  The future will be better but there are a lot of things that have to fall in line first.

crazy in the summer

took the kids to the bounce house today.  some very small little kid kept annoying them and even started kneeing them in the back.  I don't understand why parents don't deal with their kids.  If my kids were annoying strangers I would step in and if they were physically aggressive I would leave with them. 

Oh well, maybe the mom was having one of those bad days we all have.  I know there are days I wonder if I will still be sane the end of the summer.  My youngest goes off over very little stuff and my youngest daughter goes off when you tell her to do anything she doesn't want to do.


I used to operate from fear, always doing whatever I needed because I was afraid.  Recently I realized I make a lot of decisions from guilt.  My guilt over things I have done living in fear leads me to make decisions because my kids haven't had the best life.  So they get by with too much and I am not an effective parent.  I'm working on it.  Its funny how I wouldn't let my kids run all over anyone else but they run all over me.  I know I don't deserve it but yet it happens.  My kids are well behaved with everyone but me.  That hurts.  I was raised in a very dysfunctional family and now my kids are being also.  It is a totally different way but dysfunctional is dysfunctional.

Summer is in full swing

I am so happy we belong to a nice pool with great lifeguards.  The kids and I swim almost every day and it is so relaxing.  The kids play a lot in the water which helps get their energy out in a positive way and I take a book and my tatting with me for when I don't want to be in the water.  I got a data card to use at pool so I can hook to internet and work but haven't really used it yet because right after I got it, we had a week of weather in the 90s and I didn't want my computer sitting around in the heat.  I am still working as a real estate assistant and planning to get my real estate license here.  In a perfect world I would find a job I love and be able to make enough money to survive.  Not happening now but there is always another day.

I'm sorry to say my other daughter isn't visiting for the summer, she is attending summer school up north where she lives and it will keep her school skills intact and allow her to socialize with her friends.  My heart breaks when I think about going another year without seeing her but maybe a trip for a couple days would be possible.  Money sucks so not sure yet.  Going to Hilton Head using our time share (Disney Vacation Club) for a couple days and that will make the kids happy.  Beaches are not my thing at all but my tatting will be with me and they have a pool.

It's been awhile and summer is here!

I started working part time from home on the computer and that is taking all my time these days.  I'm also playing with html coding for a future website after I get my real estate license.  I am tatting on and off right now as I plan to do a couple craft shows before Christmas.  My daughter, who I taught to tat, is better than I am at it.  She is amazing.

All the kids passed to next grade.  Had an honor roll student, another who got a serious improvement in the only subject she struggles in, and my little guy had his typical good grade card.

We are swimming almost every day but with the pool comes treats.  My will power is low and I put 3 of the 28 pounds I lost back on.  Any one reading this want to form a "diet posse"  with me and provide mutual support and encouragement?  I don't diet which is probably the problem, I mostly watch the carbs and sugars and protein to be sure the sugar and carbs are down and the protein is adequate for my needs.  I get very sleepy if I eat sugar.

More tomorrow.

Girl Scout Cookies

I love my girl scouts but after 5 days of selling girl scout cookies at malls, I am tired.  Fortunately we are taking a weekend off, but on the last weekend of the month we will be at the Hanes Mall in Winston-Salem, NC.  The Lane Bryant stores in this area are very accomodating of girls scouts as we also were at the Four Seasons Mall in Greensboro, NC our first weekend out.  Maybe next year we order less.  Up north you can return what you don't sell, down here, not.

Weekends full of snow

The last thing I need is a weekend full of snow.  Living in North Carolina I haven't bought the kids snowpants or boots because don't seem to need most of the time.  oh well, so kids are trapped in house.  they venture out briefly in jeans and sneakers but back almost immediately and unhappy.  maybe next winter we'll have a little more money and get outfitted just in case of snow.  so the dog is happy to be out in snow but a disaster when he comes in with all that snow caked in his fur.  I love the dog anyway, lol.  Dog got out last week by pushing board off fence and I thought kids and I would end up in shelter because no way with our love of husband's dog would he believe it was an accident.  after 45 minutes I found him and he came when called so all was saved.  I am reading this book called layers, (see previous post), and it deals with having choices and no choices.  when I was a child things were done to me against my will.  now at times the feelings return that I have no choice but I really do have choices, I just have to remember to use them. 

Layers

great book named Layers by Sandi Patty, Christian singer.  My therapist recommended it and I think it is fabulous.  I have already recognized some of the layers and the reasons for them in my own life.  I think anyone who suffered abuse of any kind as a child should read this book.  Sandi Patty's childhood experience wasn't incest like mine but incredibly devastating for her.  I used to think some abuse was worse than others, like well you only got touched, not like raped.  However I now know that when your choices are taken away and you are powerless and anything bad is done, it deeply seers your soul.  It is not just the "what was done" but that it was done at all.

Please see bottom of site

there is a fantasic saying at bottom of scene, please see it before you move on. Thanks. 

Tupperware again?

I have sold Tupperware in Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, and New Jersey.  I was manager with the free minivan in Indiana and New Jersey.  I am thinking about starting over again with Tupperware here.  I miss the interaction and teaching people to cook in microwave and ways to save money using the products.  What about any of my friends out there?  Any of you love Tupperware?  We used to have a lot of fun, microwave candy parties, theme parties, back to school parties, and much more.

Well another day is here

Welcome.  Sundays and weekends in general are tough here.  Kids get bored and get to fighting with each other.  House is tense and grumpy.  Not so good.  Anyone else feel like this?

Welcome

hello and welcome to my new blog.  I will be blogging as ofter as possible to share life and the struggles.

this week, we are fighting over the dog, the children, my lack of willingness to clean the backyard, and more.  In addition, still unemployed, very frustrated that so many ads on craigslist are scams.  Some are real but it is so hard to tell which is which.  I have such a varied background and worked for myself so much that it really makes it harder to find a job.  Younger people or people who have worked more traditionally seem to be able to find something quicker.